Bittersweet July 3, 2008

Today has been….interesting.

I met with my surgeon today and am now scheduled to have laprascopic gallbladder surgery next Thursday.  I’m glad that it is happening soon, especially before my fall classes start.  I’m really looking forward to the prospect of eating without having horrible pain afterwards.

BUT.

I am going to have to miss Rocklahoma.  It starts next Wednesday.  And I’m so upset about it.  I know it’s just a concert, but it’s something I’ve been looking forward to since last year.  It’s my escape from reality and responsibility.  But now I have to wait until next year.  I’m trying to sell my tickets on craigslist and then I’ll have to weeks to stay home and lick my wounds, both physical and mental. 

I’ll stop being so dramatic once I feel better after surgery.

Twice in One Week? June 27, 2008

So it’s gallstones.  That explains the pain.  And the burping.  And the not being able to eat.  So surgery is my next step.  Not sure when that will be.  Meeting with the surgeon soon to find out all the details.

Checking In June 25, 2008

I’m just letting you all know I’m still alive.  And I’m still reading all of your blogs, although I’m on some sort of comment hiatus, as I can never seem to come up with anything witty enough to say back to you all.  Or maybe it’s just that I am reading only once or twice weekly and all of the posts are overwhelming and I race to see how fast I can read them and still retain what you’re saying.  Either way, sorry.

I don’t even know if any of you will catch this post, as I’ve been inactive for awhile.  And that’s cool.  But for those of you who do stumble across me, I’ll give you a quick update:

• Due to financial aid issues, I’m not in school this summer.  And I’m loving the break.  I’m doing absolutely nothing and loving it.  Well, except for that whole two year old thing.  And the new puppy she got, but he’s perfect and doesn’t cause any problems.  I’ll be ready for the fall semester to start, but I’m having a good summer for now.
• My MIL is moving away!  Like 1000 miles away!  That’s right, the monster who haunts me is moving to North Carolina and is leaving this Saturday.  It’s all a very quick thing and I’m not sure it will be completely permanent, but I’ll take whatever time away from her I can get.  She keeps saying we need to throw a party when she leaves, but she has NO IDEA!
• I’m having some health issues this month, but we’re nearing a diagnoses.  I’ve either got some kind of tick-borne disease (Lyme’s or Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever) or a bum gallbladder.  I’m on about 8000 different kinds of medication, have given up a lot of blood, and I go for an ultrasound tomorrow, so I hope to have a name to slap on this horrible pain pretty soon.  My illnesses are never just cut and dry.  Look for me on an episode of Mystery Diagnoses soon.
• My Squeaks is growing up like crazy.  I think we’re finally over the excessive whiny streak that made me want to run away and she’s actually really enjoyable to be around.  She’s about 95% potty trained (except for at night) and she loves sporting her panties.  She loves to pretend that she’s an elephant and we’ve learned to accept it.  She crawls around everywhere, waving her arm-trunk and making elephant sounds.  I’ve learned it’s a lot easier to get the elephant to obey than it is Squeaks, even if it does seem that she’s got 2 different personalities!

So that’s the rundown.  We’re all holding in there.  My trip to Rocklahoma is in a few weeks, so I really hope I’m feeling better by then and can enjoy all of the craziness.  And thanks to all of you for your support with my blogging break.  I was having a really hard time and I’m still not back for good, but I’m still around.

A Little Bit Jaded May 9, 2008

I have been having a hard time with the whole blogging thing lately.  And maybe it’s because this whole blogging thing is starting to feel a whole lot like high school.  There are blog cliques out there, whether you all will admit it or not.  And I feel like I’ve spent 3 years of my life trying to break in to one.  But you know what?  I’m finally content to admit that maybe I just don’t fit in with some of these groups.  I’m not a feminist.  I’m not trying to save the planet on a daily basis.  I’m not hitting the campaign trail.  I’m just a mommy, doing my thing.  I drive a truck.  I don’t recycle.  I still haven’t chosen a candidate to vote for yet, as I frankly think there isn’t one out there worth a damn.

And then there’s the whole mommy criticism.  Staying home versus working.  Breastfeeding versus formula.  How many playdates and activities you can get your kids involved in.  Homeschooling, private schools, public schools.  My head just spins.  I stay home because my husband has an amazing job that allows it.  But when I finish my own school, I might just get a job.  It’s an option.  We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.  I breastfed for awhile, then had to switch to formula.  I never felt like a failure because of that or because I had to have a C-section.  And I’m tired of all the whining about it, the fighting, the bickering.  Each family will do what works for them.

The big thing now is all of you mothers out there trying to defend why you blog.  You’re trying to say that you don’t exploit your children by blogging about them, and that may be true.  But what you keep harping on is the sense of community you get from blogging.  I’m here to ask where the hell that community is.  I began blogging because there was a good community back then.  I got so much help from so many of you when I was a new mother suffering from PPD.  But once the PPD was gone, so were many of you.  It seems that if I’m not cynical and bitter, you have no interest.  Maybe it’s the drama factor.  Or maybe it’s that blogging is a huge craze now and there are thousands of bloggers to try to keep up with.

It might sound like I’m whining or licking my wounds, but that’s not it.  I’m just disappointed in what’s happened around here.  Don’t get me wrong, there are a handful of you who have stuck with me.  You are amazing and I feel like you are my true friends, namely Alison and Heather.  I can’t seem to find anything to post about.  And my biggest problem is that I spend so much time trying to blog that I’m missing so much of my daughter’s life.  I’m tired of seeing her from behind a computer monitor.  I’m tired of sharing intimate details of her life with complete strangers who will only use it later to belittle me.  What started out as a hobby is now not fun anymore.  I’ve bought an old-fashioned notebook and I’ve decided I will now chronicle my daughter’s life with pen and paper.  It’s more personal that way, writing only to her, sharing stories that strangers don’t need to know.

I’m not saying I’m done blogging.  I’m just stepping back for awhile.  I’ve seen the ugly side to this “community” and I need to quit stressing about it.  I’ll still be reading some of my favorite blogs when I can, but I plan to enjoy the summer with my kiddo and get to know her a little better.  You guys can still keep in touch…I’m available by email, I’m on Facebook and MySpace, and I’ll still be around.  I just can’t promise that I’ll be posting regularly.

She’s What Makes My World Go ‘Round May 6, 2008

Using My Voice May 2, 2008

If you don’t ever spread the word about another one of my posts, please do it this time.  I’m outraged with this company and I want everyone to know about it.

A few months back, The Hubby and I bought a new tv.  We had done a lot of research prior to purchasing and we settled on a 50-inch flat screen plasma HDTV made by Philips.  We knew this brand had been around awhile a was reputable, which is why we chose them.  After ordering the tv online, it took around 3 weeks for it to be delivered.  We had problems with the delivery people they chose, but we brushed it off.

On a Thursday night we got the tv and hung it on the wall.  The following Wednesday we had a satellite man scheduled to come out to install our HD programming.  We woke up early that Wednesday morning with a sick Squeaks.  When The Hubby went to turn on the tv we had in our possession for less than a week, it made a loud popping sound and then the only thing that worked was a flashing red light on the corner of the panel.  We called Philips immediately.  They assured us they would send out a repairman, but it would be the following day.  So I had to call and reschedule the HD install.

The warranty repairman came and took our tv.  He told us the panel was blown and that they would order a new one.  Our tv would be ready by the next week.  That was a month ago.  The repairman Philips chose is horrible.  He has never one gotten in touch with us.  We’ve had to call every day and leave him messages (which he never returns) and we’ve gotten lucky two times that he’s answered the phone.  We’ve called Philips to complain about the repairman and they assure us they will take care of it, but nothing has happened.

Today we finally reached the repairman.  He told us the new part was in and that it didn’t work so he had to order another one.  But instead of actually contacting us to tell us that, we had to chase him down.  Furious with the whole situation, we called Philips and had the pleasure of talking to a real jackass.  We told him our concerns with the repairman they chose and the fact that the tv might just be a dud, as the new parts aren’t fixing it.  When we asked if there was any way they could replace the tv, the Philips rep got very rude and informed us they would not do that.  We then went on to say that since we bought the tv 2 months ago, it’s only been in our possession for 7 days.  The warranty is only a year.  We told him they were using up our warranty time by leaving us in a limbo pattern with the repair.  We asked if our warranty could be extended at least another month to cover this time and the asshole was very rude in telling us that it wouldn’t happen. 

It’s bad enough that a very expensive, brand new tv quit working so quickly, but now we’re stuck dealing with this horrible company.  Since the government is sending out these stimulus checks this week, I’m sure some of you might be purchasing televisions.  Let me urge you to NOT BUY FROM PHILIPS.  Their product is not worth the cost and their customer service is horrible.  And their one year warranty doesn’t do any good if you don’t have the tv at all during that year!  If I could just get my money back on the damn thing, I would go with another company. 

This is so not over.

Are You Sure You Want To Shut Down? May 2, 2008

The fact that finals are next week is evidence by the way I’m just shutting down.  There are so many things I need to do, but I only feel like crawling in bed and sleeping it all away.  I can’t think coherently enough to create a good blog post and I realized today that I haven’t checked my email in a few days.  I usually talk to my sister multiple times a day and we’ve gone days without talking this week!  I tend to do this when the pressure’s on, so hopefully I’ll get some good studying hours in and I will be back to normal and I can continue to educate you guys on my life, past and present.

Get Over It! April 30, 2008

Okay, so I was going to take a break from memory lane and post my reaction to the craziness that is the whole Miley Cyrus madness, but Jennster beat me to it and echoed my sentiments exactly.  So go read it.  Give her some love and give me a break for today.

A Time For Change April 30, 2008

2005 began and found me attending Oklahoma State University to become a veterinarian.  The program is typically 8 years long, but I was figuring it would be more like 10 to 12 for me, simply because I was burning out fast.  I was working for a very unethical veterinarian and in mid-January, I left that job, simply because I couldn’t take working for him anymore.  I had plenty of money saved up so I decided to go job-less for a few weeks, as I’d never had that luxury before.  But with school being my only resonsibility, I fell back into the old party routine.  My roommates and I hit the strip every night for whatever specials they had, then a party always formed at our house after closing time.  I was having the time of my life.

My now-husband and I had been dating for years at this point and we were very committed.  We were talking marriage, but couldn’t decide on when we wanted to do it.  There was no rush for us, as it was simply a legal piece of paper to reaffirm our committment to one another.  In February we loaded up with a bunch of our friends to attend a music festival in Dallas, which happened to coincide with my hubby’s birthday.  A drunken rendezvous in the hotel shower came back to haunt us 6 weeks later when I found out I was pregnant.  I was mixed in my emotions, but hubby was thrilled.  His excitement won me over.  I had always wanted children, I just didn’t know it would happen so soon.  But reality began to set in that I had no job, no insurance, and was quickly running out of money.  I could go find jobs, but not many people want to hire a pregnant woman who can’t hold down any amount of food.

And then there was the issue of my parents.  My southern Baptist preacher of a father and my mother would not take this well.  At all.  And they didn’t.  They were devastated and mad.  They were hurt.  They were every negative emotion possible and it never crossed their minds that this wasn’t a disaster.  It’s a baby.  I knew they would come around, but we had dropped a pretty big bombshell on them.

Back at my house in Stillwater, my roommates were up to no good.  Apparantly having a pregnant roomie was bringing them down and they were having none of it.  Drama ensued and I decided it was time to move back home, where my now-hubby was and where I could be closer to family.  But I wasn’t ready to live with my parents and I didn’t have the money for my own place.  Hubby was living with his mother, helping her out with bills since her divorce had left her with nothing.  We decided the two of us would start looking to buy a house soon, no rush as long as we were in before the baby was born.  We kept discussing marriage, but didn’t want to rush it simply because I was pregnant.  We didn’t want people to think we married out of obligation.  We had decided on marrying after the baby was born and I didn’t look like a pregnant cow.

And that’s when the Air Force decided to take my man from me…send him overseas to fight for our country.  I was crushed.  He was the one constant in my life and he was being taken from me.  The uncertainty of the war scared me.  I didn’t want to stay with his mother while he was gone, so I went back to my parents, who were able to put me on their insurance since I was technically still a student.  I spent the next 45 days in bed at their house, crying, waiting for the time at night when I could instant message with my man, if only for a few minutes.  I was beyond depressed and feeling all alone.  My parents really tried to be there for me, but I was still unsure of their intentions, isn’t that horrible?  At least I had my baby, the one thing that gave me hope for the future.

The day my hubby came home was amazing.  It was the first day I felt the baby kick and it was like she knew her daddy was coming home.  It was so nice to cry tears for a good reason.  We spend the next few weeks traveling and reconnecting after being apart.  He was so great.  But when I was 26 weeks pregnant I went into early labor.  I was put on bedrest, which meant I had to drop out of school.  When this happened, I was once again dropped from insurance.  At this point we had a decision to make:  should we get married so I could be covered by his insurance?  It sounded like a horrible reason to marry a man, but we knew it would end in marriage at some point.  With my pregnancy complications I could not go on without insurance.  But the thought of marrying out of necessity really bothered me.  I didn’t want him to feel that he was stuck with me because of it.

One night it all came to a head when I refused to marry him for insurance purposes.  He kept reiterating that he wasn’t asking just for health concerns, but because he loves me and wants to be married to me.  I didn’t buy it.  Finally he stomped off to the closet, pulled out and box and in his underwear gave me a ring, saying “Does this prove it?”.  He had bought me an engagement ring overseas from a diamond dealer, but had been hiding it from me because he didn’t want me to think he did it out of obligation.  He wanted it to be special, a gift to me after our daughter was born.  But I screwed that all up.  My excitement was mixed with sorrow that I spoiled such a sweet thing! 

We filed for a marriage license, not wanting to waste any time in case I went into labor again.  On September 5th (Labor Day), we got married in my parents’ living room.  My dad the preacher performed the wedding.  My brother and his wife were our witnesses.  We wore shorts.  Dad gave me a bouquet to carry, ordered a cake, and made punch.  It was perfect…almost.  My mother missed it.  She was out of town, but she didn’t want us to wait just in case I needed that insurance.  I still wish she could have been there, but that day was still amazing and so totally US.  We don’t ever do anything by the book, so why should our wedding be any different?

Although some people still see it as a marriage of necessity, we both know how real it was for us.  We both cried and spoke from our hearts.  It’s a day I will never forget.

Where It All Started April 28, 2008

During my first semester of college I was dating this guy that I can now only cringe when I think about.  He and I were horrible together, but I was dealing with the whole mind-games thing that guys do and I was staying with him.  I had a certain agriculture class in which we all talked about our lives and what was going on.  In this class was a guy who caught my eye.  I would share in class about my awful boyfriend and they would all make fun of me for staying with him.  Even I knew it was pathetic, but I was young and dumb.

I bought some tickets to go to a George Strait concert in Oklahoma City (George happens to be the true love of my life).  My boyfriend and I were supposed to go to this concert together on Halloween.  But as the weeks up to the concert drew near, I was getting fed up with my whole relationship.  I finally ended things, thankful to be out of such a verbally abusive realtionship.  Because of this controlling boyfriend, I had cut a lot of ties with my old friends from high school.  I found myself with and extra ticket to George Strait and no one to share it with.

I showed up for my agriculture class one day, still trying to figure out what to do with this ticket.  From out of the blue, this guy I had been eyeing all semester approached me and asked me out.  I jumped at the chance to go out with him and told him I had the perfect idea for our date.  We agreed to meet and drive to the City together for the concert.  We didn’t exchange numbers or anything, so I got nervous, thinking he would stand me up.  But lo and behold, he came.  We made the trek to OKC together and had an amazing night.  We drank way too much, danced, sang, and got to know one another.  And then I made an ass out of myself.  I got so drunk that I made him pull over on the side of the turnpike so I could throw up.  And I’m pretty sure I popped a squat and peed in the median.  It was bad.

When we got back to where we had met up, he told me that I was in no condition to drive (obviously).  He told me that he had an extra room at his house and that I was welcome to crash there until I could drive the next morning.  And here’s where I’m so glad this guy wasn’t a serial killer because in my drunken stupor, I agreed.  He took me to his place, tucked me into bed, then left me alone the rest of the night.  Even that drunk, I realized he was a pretty great guy for not trying to take advantage of me.  It wasn’t until the next day that I learned that he did not have a spare room, he let me stay in his bed while he slept on the couch.  He then drove me to my truck, gave me his number, and left.

I figured that this guy was too nice to be real.  I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I called him just so he had my number, but I didn’t persue it any more.  Thankfully, he did.  I heard from him every day after our first date.  We were constantly together.  I didn’t think I was ready for it after just ending the other relationship, but I just felt drawn to this man.

As I’m sure you all figured out, this date of mine is now my sweet, loving Hubby.  He fell for me despite that fact that I became a raging drunk on our first date.  He held my hair while I puked in the median of the road (and I’m pretty sure I puked on his boot).  I don’t know what attracted him to me, but I’m so glad it did, as I have the best husband in the whole world!

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More stories to come about the antics my husband had to put up with while dating me….and more.