A Little Bit Jaded May 9, 2008

I have been having a hard time with the whole blogging thing lately.  And maybe it’s because this whole blogging thing is starting to feel a whole lot like high school.  There are blog cliques out there, whether you all will admit it or not.  And I feel like I’ve spent 3 years of my life trying to break in to one.  But you know what?  I’m finally content to admit that maybe I just don’t fit in with some of these groups.  I’m not a feminist.  I’m not trying to save the planet on a daily basis.  I’m not hitting the campaign trail.  I’m just a mommy, doing my thing.  I drive a truck.  I don’t recycle.  I still haven’t chosen a candidate to vote for yet, as I frankly think there isn’t one out there worth a damn.

And then there’s the whole mommy criticism.  Staying home versus working.  Breastfeeding versus formula.  How many playdates and activities you can get your kids involved in.  Homeschooling, private schools, public schools.  My head just spins.  I stay home because my husband has an amazing job that allows it.  But when I finish my own school, I might just get a job.  It’s an option.  We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.  I breastfed for awhile, then had to switch to formula.  I never felt like a failure because of that or because I had to have a C-section.  And I’m tired of all the whining about it, the fighting, the bickering.  Each family will do what works for them.

The big thing now is all of you mothers out there trying to defend why you blog.  You’re trying to say that you don’t exploit your children by blogging about them, and that may be true.  But what you keep harping on is the sense of community you get from blogging.  I’m here to ask where the hell that community is.  I began blogging because there was a good community back then.  I got so much help from so many of you when I was a new mother suffering from PPD.  But once the PPD was gone, so were many of you.  It seems that if I’m not cynical and bitter, you have no interest.  Maybe it’s the drama factor.  Or maybe it’s that blogging is a huge craze now and there are thousands of bloggers to try to keep up with.

It might sound like I’m whining or licking my wounds, but that’s not it.  I’m just disappointed in what’s happened around here.  Don’t get me wrong, there are a handful of you who have stuck with me.  You are amazing and I feel like you are my true friends, namely Alison and Heather.  I can’t seem to find anything to post about.  And my biggest problem is that I spend so much time trying to blog that I’m missing so much of my daughter’s life.  I’m tired of seeing her from behind a computer monitor.  I’m tired of sharing intimate details of her life with complete strangers who will only use it later to belittle me.  What started out as a hobby is now not fun anymore.  I’ve bought an old-fashioned notebook and I’ve decided I will now chronicle my daughter’s life with pen and paper.  It’s more personal that way, writing only to her, sharing stories that strangers don’t need to know.

I’m not saying I’m done blogging.  I’m just stepping back for awhile.  I’ve seen the ugly side to this “community” and I need to quit stressing about it.  I’ll still be reading some of my favorite blogs when I can, but I plan to enjoy the summer with my kiddo and get to know her a little better.  You guys can still keep in touch…I’m available by email, I’m on Facebook and MySpace, and I’ll still be around.  I just can’t promise that I’ll be posting regularly.