Because I Plan Everything September 18, 2007
I’ve posted before about my confusion when it comes to whether or not we should have another child. I must be really hormonal lately or my biological clock is winding up again or something because these things are all surfacing again.
I always saw myself as having at least two children. But now that I’m faced with that decision, I don’t know that I even want more than one. I keep weighing my options, but I can’t seem to find one that outweighs the other. The Hubby is pretty indifferent. He doesn’t want another one, but if we were to have an “accident” child, he would be fine with it, even happy. So here are some of my personal conflicts:
I had the pregnancy from hell. I know “they” say that the second one is different, but I’m too scared. I will have to have a c-section again, not only because no one around here will do VBACs, but also because I have a misshapen uterus that will not allow me to have a natural birth. I also had a very severe problem with my emotional state after Squeaks was born that I’m scared to experience again. I’m just not sure that my body is willing to go through it again.
Another thought is that Squeaks would not take a new baby well at all. There is a new baby at my sister’s child care (where she stays while I’m at school) and Squeaks is very, very jealous and doing a lot of acting out. I don’t want to make her go through that at home. Plus, the time we are able to spend with her is already limited — I hate to cut that in half while we’re taking care of another one. But the bottom line is that I’m afraid I could never love another child as much as I love my Squeaks. She is the best thing I’ve ever done and I don’t know that I can share that love. I know you will tell me it’s possible, but I can’t fathom it.
On the reverse side, I feel that I would be neglecting the new baby because I wouldn’t be able to give my sole attention to it, like I was able to with Squeaks. I wouldn’t be well rested with two kids around, which hurts my mental state. And then there’s the issue of finances. We are at a place where we can provide well for Squeaks and we have already started saving for her college. But if another child comes into the picture that we are having to pay for, I’m afraid we wouldn’t have the funds to set back for two college stints.
But then I think about the few good pregnant moments I had. I remember the excitement and anticipation. I remember holding my Squeaks for the first time and falling in love. I remember days spent snuggling and rocking, nursing and bonding. And it’s those moments that I would love to have all over again, even with a new little person.
So I know I sound like I’m overanalyzing things, but I am really having this internal battle every. minute. of every. day. It’s consuming me. Does that mean I subconsciously want another one? Who knows…
