Because I Plan Everything September 18, 2007

I’ve posted before about my confusion when it comes to whether or not we should have another child.  I must be really hormonal lately or my biological clock is winding up again or something because these things are all surfacing again.

I always saw myself as having at least two children.  But now that I’m faced with that decision, I don’t know that I even want more than one.  I keep weighing my options, but I can’t seem to find one that outweighs the other.  The Hubby is pretty indifferent.  He doesn’t want another one, but if we were to have an “accident” child, he would be fine with it, even happy.  So here are some of my personal conflicts:

 I had the pregnancy from hell.  I know “they” say that the second one is different, but I’m too scared.  I will have to have a c-section again, not only because no one around here will do VBACs, but also because I have a misshapen uterus that will not allow me to have a natural birth.  I also had a very severe problem with my emotional state after Squeaks was born that I’m scared to experience again.  I’m just not sure that my body is willing to go through it again.

Another thought is that Squeaks would not take a new baby well at all.  There is a new baby at my sister’s child care (where she stays while I’m at school) and Squeaks is very, very jealous and doing a lot of acting out.  I don’t want to make her go through that at home.  Plus, the time we are able to spend with her is already limited — I hate to cut that in half while we’re taking care of another one.  But the bottom line is that I’m afraid I could never love another child as much as I love my Squeaks.  She is the best thing I’ve ever done and I don’t know that I can share that love.  I know you will tell me it’s possible, but I can’t fathom it.

On the reverse side, I feel that I would be neglecting the new baby because I wouldn’t be able to give my sole attention to it, like I was able to with Squeaks.  I wouldn’t be well rested with two kids around, which hurts my mental state.  And then there’s the issue of finances.  We are at a place where we can provide well for Squeaks and we have already started saving for her college.  But if another child comes into the picture that we are having to pay for, I’m afraid we wouldn’t have the funds to set back for two college stints.

But then I think about the few good pregnant moments I had.  I remember the excitement and anticipation.  I remember holding my Squeaks for the first time and falling in love.  I remember days spent snuggling and rocking, nursing and bonding.  And it’s those moments that I would love to have all over again, even with a new little person.

So I know I sound like I’m overanalyzing things, but I am really having this internal battle every. minute. of every. day.  It’s consuming me.  Does that mean I subconsciously want another one?  Who knows…

Back To School Already June 6, 2007

Well summer school officially started yesterday. I guess I’m excited because I felt lost this last month, but it’s still going to be a lot of work. The summer classes are done in half the time, so you have to do double the work, plus I’m taking my 2 classes online so we have to read the lectures on top of all of the normal class reading. Good thing I like to read and that these classes actually interest me. But I can already tell I’ll have my nose in one of the 8 textbooks at all times. And for the record, yes, that is 8 textbooks for a total of 2 classes. Gotta love college.

But already I’m feeling the mommy guilt. I chose to take online classes this summer so I can be free to do what I please during the day and so that Squeaks doesn’t have to go to a sitter. I figured I could be home with her and just do my work at night. But when I look at this workload, it’s going to require more time than I can commit at night. For example, Squeaks has already watched waaaay too much tv this morning, just so that I could get the reading done in order to participate in the online discussion. On one hand I realize that I watched a lot of tv as a child and, hell, I don’t even remember being that young. But on the other hand I feel like I’m rotting her brain and completely ignoring her. Up until a few weeks ago, Squeaks would play happily in her room by herself or read books while I did things I needed to do (like blogging!). But she’s hit this clingy phase in which she literally attaches herself to my leg and it makes me feel horrible to have to distract her with tv. I guess there’s nothing I can do about it now, except to try to stay up even later at night to get my work done.

Some year I’ll be done with school and this will be a non-issue. Of course, I’ll then feel guilty about going to work and leaving Squeaks behind. But if I continue at this rate, she’ll be off to college by then, anyway!

Just Call Me Supermom May 18, 2007

Squeaks and I went to visit my mother today. When we all went out to run errands, we decided to take Mom’s car, as it’s cleaner and get better gas mileage. She has a carseat she bought so that we don’t have to constantly change seats out, so it was so problem to go in her car.

We drove around Mom’s semi-small town for awhile in order to get to this little store where they sell the kind of bear that Squeaks is so freaking attached to. (We needed another backup, as she left the last one outside and the dogs sacrificed it or humped the stuffing out of it or something.) Anyway, when I went to get Squeaks out, my heart literally dropped — while she was buckled into the car seat, the seat WAS NOT BUCKLED IN! We had been riding all around while she was buckled into a seat that could fly out the window at any minute! Thankfully my mom’s nearing 60, so she doesn’t drive that fast!

She apologized over and over and explained that my dad must have taken it out and never strapped it back in when he put it back. I told her it was my fault for not checking — I’m the one who buckled her in! I can’t believe I did that. Oh well, thankfully nothing happened and she didn’t get hurt. But you can bet that I’ll always be checking from now on!

Saturday’s Recap…a little late! April 4, 2007

Here’s how my Saturday was supposed to go: wake up, make it to my favorite body sculpt class at the gym, enjoy the rest of my day. Here’s how my Saturday actually went:

I woke up to a grumpier-than-normal child and a dog with explosive, bloody diarrhea. I woke The Hubby up to give me a hand with the literal mess. By 9:00 I was sitting in the vet’s office with Lucy while The Hubby and Squeaks hung out at home together. By 10:30 I was out of the vet’s office $200 lighter and armed with all kinds of prescriptions for my puppy. I had already missed my class, but I figured I could still hit the gym to work off some of the stress from the morning.

When I got home, The Hubby had had a total mood transformation and was a complete ass. He was grumpy over every little thing, which was making me more irritable by the second. By noon I was fighting off a migraine and ready to trade my husband in for a new one. I made the mistake of asking Squeaks if she was ready to eat before I had fixed her food. She was hanging from her highchair like a monkey, crying to “EAT!!!”. As I was throwing something totally unhealthy together for her to eat, she toddled over to me to further show her discontent with being made to wait once I had already told her it was time to eat.

She was alternating between stomping her little feet and throwing herself at my leg and I was doing a pretty good job of ignoring it, when she started screaming bloody murder. Entirely fed up at this point, I threw down the spoon I was holding and “raised my voice” to my daughter that she was fine and that she could wait 2 freaking minutes to get her food. The Hubby, still in his funk came in and yelled at me for yelling at Squeaks. It was an all-around circus.

Then at that very moment came the guilt. I looked down to find a dead wasp on the kitchen floor, inches from Squeaks’ foot. My barefoot daughter had stepped right on the damn thing, not just killing it but also getting the stinger imbedded in her foot. That’s what all the screaming was about. There I was, telling her she was fine and had nothing to scream about and she had just been stung by a wasp!

Thankfully she is not allergic to wasp stings like I am, but that still didn’t ease my guilt any. I cried, she cried….but only for a minute. Once we got the stinger out, she got up and went to play. Sure, she still limped on her foot and would occasionally grab it and yell “Owwww”, but her pain tolerance amazed me!

She has since recovered, but it’s going to take me a long time to forgive myself for losing my temper with her. What a weekend, huh?