Bittersweet July 3, 2008

Today has been….interesting.

I met with my surgeon today and am now scheduled to have laprascopic gallbladder surgery next Thursday.  I’m glad that it is happening soon, especially before my fall classes start.  I’m really looking forward to the prospect of eating without having horrible pain afterwards.

BUT.

I am going to have to miss Rocklahoma.  It starts next Wednesday.  And I’m so upset about it.  I know it’s just a concert, but it’s something I’ve been looking forward to since last year.  It’s my escape from reality and responsibility.  But now I have to wait until next year.  I’m trying to sell my tickets on craigslist and then I’ll have to weeks to stay home and lick my wounds, both physical and mental. 

I’ll stop being so dramatic once I feel better after surgery.

Twice in One Week? June 27, 2008

So it’s gallstones.  That explains the pain.  And the burping.  And the not being able to eat.  So surgery is my next step.  Not sure when that will be.  Meeting with the surgeon soon to find out all the details.

Checking In June 25, 2008

I’m just letting you all know I’m still alive.  And I’m still reading all of your blogs, although I’m on some sort of comment hiatus, as I can never seem to come up with anything witty enough to say back to you all.  Or maybe it’s just that I am reading only once or twice weekly and all of the posts are overwhelming and I race to see how fast I can read them and still retain what you’re saying.  Either way, sorry.

I don’t even know if any of you will catch this post, as I’ve been inactive for awhile.  And that’s cool.  But for those of you who do stumble across me, I’ll give you a quick update:

• Due to financial aid issues, I’m not in school this summer.  And I’m loving the break.  I’m doing absolutely nothing and loving it.  Well, except for that whole two year old thing.  And the new puppy she got, but he’s perfect and doesn’t cause any problems.  I’ll be ready for the fall semester to start, but I’m having a good summer for now.
• My MIL is moving away!  Like 1000 miles away!  That’s right, the monster who haunts me is moving to North Carolina and is leaving this Saturday.  It’s all a very quick thing and I’m not sure it will be completely permanent, but I’ll take whatever time away from her I can get.  She keeps saying we need to throw a party when she leaves, but she has NO IDEA!
• I’m having some health issues this month, but we’re nearing a diagnoses.  I’ve either got some kind of tick-borne disease (Lyme’s or Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever) or a bum gallbladder.  I’m on about 8000 different kinds of medication, have given up a lot of blood, and I go for an ultrasound tomorrow, so I hope to have a name to slap on this horrible pain pretty soon.  My illnesses are never just cut and dry.  Look for me on an episode of Mystery Diagnoses soon.
• My Squeaks is growing up like crazy.  I think we’re finally over the excessive whiny streak that made me want to run away and she’s actually really enjoyable to be around.  She’s about 95% potty trained (except for at night) and she loves sporting her panties.  She loves to pretend that she’s an elephant and we’ve learned to accept it.  She crawls around everywhere, waving her arm-trunk and making elephant sounds.  I’ve learned it’s a lot easier to get the elephant to obey than it is Squeaks, even if it does seem that she’s got 2 different personalities!

So that’s the rundown.  We’re all holding in there.  My trip to Rocklahoma is in a few weeks, so I really hope I’m feeling better by then and can enjoy all of the craziness.  And thanks to all of you for your support with my blogging break.  I was having a really hard time and I’m still not back for good, but I’m still around.

A Little Bit Jaded May 9, 2008

I have been having a hard time with the whole blogging thing lately.  And maybe it’s because this whole blogging thing is starting to feel a whole lot like high school.  There are blog cliques out there, whether you all will admit it or not.  And I feel like I’ve spent 3 years of my life trying to break in to one.  But you know what?  I’m finally content to admit that maybe I just don’t fit in with some of these groups.  I’m not a feminist.  I’m not trying to save the planet on a daily basis.  I’m not hitting the campaign trail.  I’m just a mommy, doing my thing.  I drive a truck.  I don’t recycle.  I still haven’t chosen a candidate to vote for yet, as I frankly think there isn’t one out there worth a damn.

And then there’s the whole mommy criticism.  Staying home versus working.  Breastfeeding versus formula.  How many playdates and activities you can get your kids involved in.  Homeschooling, private schools, public schools.  My head just spins.  I stay home because my husband has an amazing job that allows it.  But when I finish my own school, I might just get a job.  It’s an option.  We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.  I breastfed for awhile, then had to switch to formula.  I never felt like a failure because of that or because I had to have a C-section.  And I’m tired of all the whining about it, the fighting, the bickering.  Each family will do what works for them.

The big thing now is all of you mothers out there trying to defend why you blog.  You’re trying to say that you don’t exploit your children by blogging about them, and that may be true.  But what you keep harping on is the sense of community you get from blogging.  I’m here to ask where the hell that community is.  I began blogging because there was a good community back then.  I got so much help from so many of you when I was a new mother suffering from PPD.  But once the PPD was gone, so were many of you.  It seems that if I’m not cynical and bitter, you have no interest.  Maybe it’s the drama factor.  Or maybe it’s that blogging is a huge craze now and there are thousands of bloggers to try to keep up with.

It might sound like I’m whining or licking my wounds, but that’s not it.  I’m just disappointed in what’s happened around here.  Don’t get me wrong, there are a handful of you who have stuck with me.  You are amazing and I feel like you are my true friends, namely Alison and Heather.  I can’t seem to find anything to post about.  And my biggest problem is that I spend so much time trying to blog that I’m missing so much of my daughter’s life.  I’m tired of seeing her from behind a computer monitor.  I’m tired of sharing intimate details of her life with complete strangers who will only use it later to belittle me.  What started out as a hobby is now not fun anymore.  I’ve bought an old-fashioned notebook and I’ve decided I will now chronicle my daughter’s life with pen and paper.  It’s more personal that way, writing only to her, sharing stories that strangers don’t need to know.

I’m not saying I’m done blogging.  I’m just stepping back for awhile.  I’ve seen the ugly side to this “community” and I need to quit stressing about it.  I’ll still be reading some of my favorite blogs when I can, but I plan to enjoy the summer with my kiddo and get to know her a little better.  You guys can still keep in touch…I’m available by email, I’m on Facebook and MySpace, and I’ll still be around.  I just can’t promise that I’ll be posting regularly.

A Time For Change April 30, 2008

2005 began and found me attending Oklahoma State University to become a veterinarian.  The program is typically 8 years long, but I was figuring it would be more like 10 to 12 for me, simply because I was burning out fast.  I was working for a very unethical veterinarian and in mid-January, I left that job, simply because I couldn’t take working for him anymore.  I had plenty of money saved up so I decided to go job-less for a few weeks, as I’d never had that luxury before.  But with school being my only resonsibility, I fell back into the old party routine.  My roommates and I hit the strip every night for whatever specials they had, then a party always formed at our house after closing time.  I was having the time of my life.

My now-husband and I had been dating for years at this point and we were very committed.  We were talking marriage, but couldn’t decide on when we wanted to do it.  There was no rush for us, as it was simply a legal piece of paper to reaffirm our committment to one another.  In February we loaded up with a bunch of our friends to attend a music festival in Dallas, which happened to coincide with my hubby’s birthday.  A drunken rendezvous in the hotel shower came back to haunt us 6 weeks later when I found out I was pregnant.  I was mixed in my emotions, but hubby was thrilled.  His excitement won me over.  I had always wanted children, I just didn’t know it would happen so soon.  But reality began to set in that I had no job, no insurance, and was quickly running out of money.  I could go find jobs, but not many people want to hire a pregnant woman who can’t hold down any amount of food.

And then there was the issue of my parents.  My southern Baptist preacher of a father and my mother would not take this well.  At all.  And they didn’t.  They were devastated and mad.  They were hurt.  They were every negative emotion possible and it never crossed their minds that this wasn’t a disaster.  It’s a baby.  I knew they would come around, but we had dropped a pretty big bombshell on them.

Back at my house in Stillwater, my roommates were up to no good.  Apparantly having a pregnant roomie was bringing them down and they were having none of it.  Drama ensued and I decided it was time to move back home, where my now-hubby was and where I could be closer to family.  But I wasn’t ready to live with my parents and I didn’t have the money for my own place.  Hubby was living with his mother, helping her out with bills since her divorce had left her with nothing.  We decided the two of us would start looking to buy a house soon, no rush as long as we were in before the baby was born.  We kept discussing marriage, but didn’t want to rush it simply because I was pregnant.  We didn’t want people to think we married out of obligation.  We had decided on marrying after the baby was born and I didn’t look like a pregnant cow.

And that’s when the Air Force decided to take my man from me…send him overseas to fight for our country.  I was crushed.  He was the one constant in my life and he was being taken from me.  The uncertainty of the war scared me.  I didn’t want to stay with his mother while he was gone, so I went back to my parents, who were able to put me on their insurance since I was technically still a student.  I spent the next 45 days in bed at their house, crying, waiting for the time at night when I could instant message with my man, if only for a few minutes.  I was beyond depressed and feeling all alone.  My parents really tried to be there for me, but I was still unsure of their intentions, isn’t that horrible?  At least I had my baby, the one thing that gave me hope for the future.

The day my hubby came home was amazing.  It was the first day I felt the baby kick and it was like she knew her daddy was coming home.  It was so nice to cry tears for a good reason.  We spend the next few weeks traveling and reconnecting after being apart.  He was so great.  But when I was 26 weeks pregnant I went into early labor.  I was put on bedrest, which meant I had to drop out of school.  When this happened, I was once again dropped from insurance.  At this point we had a decision to make:  should we get married so I could be covered by his insurance?  It sounded like a horrible reason to marry a man, but we knew it would end in marriage at some point.  With my pregnancy complications I could not go on without insurance.  But the thought of marrying out of necessity really bothered me.  I didn’t want him to feel that he was stuck with me because of it.

One night it all came to a head when I refused to marry him for insurance purposes.  He kept reiterating that he wasn’t asking just for health concerns, but because he loves me and wants to be married to me.  I didn’t buy it.  Finally he stomped off to the closet, pulled out and box and in his underwear gave me a ring, saying “Does this prove it?”.  He had bought me an engagement ring overseas from a diamond dealer, but had been hiding it from me because he didn’t want me to think he did it out of obligation.  He wanted it to be special, a gift to me after our daughter was born.  But I screwed that all up.  My excitement was mixed with sorrow that I spoiled such a sweet thing! 

We filed for a marriage license, not wanting to waste any time in case I went into labor again.  On September 5th (Labor Day), we got married in my parents’ living room.  My dad the preacher performed the wedding.  My brother and his wife were our witnesses.  We wore shorts.  Dad gave me a bouquet to carry, ordered a cake, and made punch.  It was perfect…almost.  My mother missed it.  She was out of town, but she didn’t want us to wait just in case I needed that insurance.  I still wish she could have been there, but that day was still amazing and so totally US.  We don’t ever do anything by the book, so why should our wedding be any different?

Although some people still see it as a marriage of necessity, we both know how real it was for us.  We both cried and spoke from our hearts.  It’s a day I will never forget.

Bad Military Wife January 6, 2008

As many of you know, The Hubby is in the Air Force.  He has served for 9 years now, is a veteran of Operation Enduring Freedom in Iraq, and has served numerous other deployments stateside.  I’ve always been so proud of him and the way he serves our country.  I’ve helped out with things on base, I’ve helped get the troops ready for deployments, I have made numerous friends through the military.  But I have a secret.

The Hubby is tired of it all.  There have been some issues with his captain that are preventing him from promoting any further and he’s fed up with it.  There are actually many reasons he’s ready to be done, but I don’t need to make them all public (I don’t need the Air Force on my ass, after all!).  So he has decided that he’s ready to get out of the military.  It’s been good to him and he’s so glad he did it.  He’s even talked about joining up again later in life, but for now he’s spent.  And I’m secretly glad.  I no longer have to worry about him getting shipped overseas, praying he’ll return home to us.  I won’t have to spend another pregnancy alone (no I’m not pregnant, but it’s the idea) while he serves in a war.  I don’t have to pretend it’s all okay, when I’m secretly scared. 

While it may sound like I’m a bad patriot, I’m okay with that.  It would be different if he hadn’t already done so much in the military.  As I told The Hubby, it’s time for the young pups to serve their time.  Sure the benefits were amazing, but many of them are still available to us, as he is a war veteran.  I will still always be proud of his time he served, but I’m glad it’s coming to an end. 

I think he’s made the correct decision for himself.  When he first got in, he was thrilled.  He was proud and accomplished and was carrying on the family tradition of serving his country.  He talked about it all the time and tried to recruit his friends.  Now he rarely talks about it.  He dreads going to the base.  I think it’s definitely time.  I admire the women and men (and their spouses) who deal with it for longer than 9 years.

So I guess we’ll see where this goes.  He may or may not actually go through with it and I’ll support him either way.  But now you all know my true feelings on the matter!

Getting Over Myself December 14, 2007

George W. Bush has proclaimed my part of Oklahoma to be a disaster area.  It’s official now, although I could have told you this 6 days ago.  I’m going on day 6 of no power, no running water, no being able to live at home.  I’m so thankful that my parents have been able to maintain power throughout this ordeal, so that we all have a place to go.  I’m really trying to stay positive about that fact, but it gets hard.  We have been told that it doesn’t even look like we will be in our homes by Christmas, so that’s the hardest thing for me to swallow.  We are discussing buying a generator, just so we can stay at home.  FEMA is reimbursing half the cost of generators, but I feel guilty taking their money when we really don’t need it.  Plus I don’t have a lot of faith in FEMA after the whole Hurricane Katrina madness.

But Squeaks is going wonderfully.  She loves being around her Granny and Papa.  Her cousins have been over every day to play and she thinks life is great.  Thankfully she’s sleeping very well, so I am really not having any problems with her.  The Hubby hasn’t been around, as his company has put him up in a hotel across the street from work so that he can make it in every day.  It’s nice of them to do it, but I’m ready to see him!  All in all I’m in better spirits today than I have been, but we’ll see how long this holds up!

The Lump Saga Continued December 12, 2007

Instead of depressing everyone with my stories of the worst power outages in the history of Oklahoma or how the president has declared it a disaster area, I’m going to tell you about last week’s disaster — before the ice showed up.

A long time ago I wrote about an experience I had with a breast lump.  I would go through my archives and fine it, but I’m tired and really don’t feel like searching through that mess, so I’ll give you the quick version:  I had a lump in my right breast, so I had an ultrasound, a mammogram, and a needle biopsy in which I felt everything that was happening, despite being numbed.  I was never really given a diagnoses, I was just told that it wasn’t cancer.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago.  I went for my yearly “well-woman exam” — don’t you like how they word that?  My new (and much more competent) docter and I discussed the lump and she decided it wouldn’t hurt to send me to a specialist, since the lump had been getting bigger over the course of time.  So Thursday I went in for a consult at the hospital with a breast surgeon.  First I was informed that my quack of a previous doctor had completely missed when he did my needle biopsy, meaning they got no sample of the mass.  This was all written in his notes, which is why I never got a definitive diagnoses.  The surgeon told me she was going to send me down to the ultrasound room to have it checked again and then we would go from there.  She said that it simply felt like a fibroadenoma (a benign fibroid that only causes problems when it grows too big).

I was ushered to ultrasound, where the tech started and then said “Oh”.  And the way she said it totally freaked me out.  She continued checking around and then my doctor came in to talk to me.  The lump I was feeling was HUGE, bigger than could be felt externally.  Not only that, but I had 4 other tumors in the same area.  They decided to remove all that they could with a really cool device that reminded me of a fillet knife.  They would cut me open, insert this device, and it would slowly shave off the tumors.  They assured me that they would completely numb my breast so I wouldn’t have a repeat of the pain from the needle biopsy.  But they couldn’t keep their promise.  They used drug after drug and stuck me so many times, but I never got fully numb.  I felt pain like I had never imagined while this device was cutting away at me.  I was crying during the surgery and thankfully one nice older nurse came and help my hand and wiped my tears away for me.  When they had given me the maximum amount of drugs possible and I still was feeling everything, they decided that they had done enough.  I’m still not sure how much they left, as I could only feel one lump in the first place, but it’s noticeably smaller. 

So I left the hospital stitched up yet still bleeding.  I called The Hubby to come pick me up because I was whacked out from the drugs and I didn’t think my right arm would cooperate with me driving.  He freaked out since I wasn’t scheduled to have surgery and he rushed over to get me. 

I’m doing much better now.  I had a problem with bleeding for a few days, but it’s better now.  The stitches are out and it just likes someone bit my boob.  The results came back and they were indeed fibroadenomas, thankfully.  I have to go back in 6 months to have another ultrasound to see if there is any more growth.  If they have to operate again, I was assured that they would put me out to do it since I have drug-resistant boobs.

So Glad It’s Over November 1, 2007

Halloween was a drag.  I’m sick (thanks to Squeaks), we ran all over creation to see everyone in the family, and Squeaks was so terrified of jack-o-lanterns that we had to skip every house that had one — which was pretty much everyone.  We joined our friends for dinner and Squeaks managed to throw a huge tantrum, not only because it was past her bedtime, but because (God forbid) we were trying to feed her normal food, rather than all of the candy goodness that she so easily earned.  So I’m glad this day is over and I can look forward to my baby turning two in just a week and a half.  But there was one bright spot in this dark evening — my adorable little kangaroo:

 

Spare Parts September 13, 2007

Well I guess I wouldn’t be making my blogging comeback without having a mother-in-law story, so here goes.

As my longtime readers know, my 15 year old brother-in-law was killed in a car accident almost three years ago.  Since then we have all dealt with our grief in different ways, my MIL’s being that she’s trying to convert my daughter into her lost son.  Anyway, we were all having the discussion recently of whether or not The Hubby and I were going to have anymore children.  I was explaining that while I would love to have another child, I don’t know that I want to go through another pregnancy from hell, a c-section, and the horrible post-partum period.  We were all discussing the pros and cons, when my MIL piped up.  She informed us that you should always have more than one child, that way if you lose one “you can have a spare”.  Yeah that’s right, a spare.

From there she went on to belittle my husband by discussing how he has been her spare through this whole ordeal.  She said that while he may not be like Casey, he’s got potential to develop the same qualities.  I was dumbfounded that she would even go there.  I can not imagine considering any more of my future children spares in case something happens to Squeaks.

Yes it was true that she favored her youngest, but it is ridiculous to insinuate that my husband (the next best thing) will just have to do.  Just one more reason why my respect for her dwindles every day.