No Time Like The….Past April 28, 2008

I haven’t posted a lot lately, mainly because there are things going on that I haven’t felt like talking about.  Things like finances and marriage.  And these two things mainly center around this battle we’re having over my being ready to have another child.  Basically it’s all really touchy right now and I don’t feel like spreading it out for all of blogland to read.

So the whole point of this is to let you know that I’m not going to stop blogging because of this.  Instead, I’m going to take a different route in my posts.  I’m going to be telling you all more about myself.  Instead of sharing what’s going on right now, I’ll be sharing about my past.  This could get very interesting.  So please don’t give up on me…stay tuned for what promises to be embarassing!

It’s Time To Move Away From Oklahoma April 24, 2008

I was really hoping that the hillbilly-dom (yes, I’m making it a word) of our great state would not wear off on my daughter.  No such luck.  She’s taken to wearing overall shorts (with no shirt underneath) and rubber rain boots.  And she wants to wear them all. the. time.  Even to bed.  I put her in bed last night, took her boots off, and she cried for “My BOOTS!” for over an hour.  I’m not even kidding.  I know kids go through these phases where they want to pick out their own clothes or they express themselves oddly, but I’m scared of where it’s leading.  What’s next?  Squirrel hunting?  Pinning a rebel flag up over her toddler bed?

 

But What Has He Ever Done For Me? April 23, 2008

My sister’s son is 13 and he’s at that awkward stage in life.  He is taller than me and his voice sounds like a man, but he’s still all gangly.  He spends hours playing his electric guitar (and he can really rock) and he skateboards.  Basically he’s your typical sullen teenager.  But when it comes to Squeaks, he’s a completely different person.  He’s always trying to hug her and play with her.  He adores her and vice versa.

Tonight we went to dinner with my sister’s family at Cracker Barrel.  We browsed the gift shop while we waited for our table and my nephew took Squeaks over to watch one of those toys that looks like a weasel playing with a ball, the annoying ones that roll all over the place.  Squeaks loved it.  She was cracking up and trying to touch it and my nephew was right in the middle of it.  After we ate dinner he took her back over to it.  And as we were leaving, Squeaks came running over to me with a big brown sack.  My nephew had used his own money to buy one of the weasel toys for her!  This from the kid who socks money away to buy guitar stuff or PlayStation games or skateboard stuff.  The kid who always wants money in return for helping out.  He’s always making some sort of deal and he never shares money.  So I was totally blown away that this teenage boy would do something so nice for his cousin.  I almost cried right there in Cracker Barrel.

But now I have this damn weasel toy in my house…

Meg Who? April 20, 2008

Apparantly now that I’m a stay-at-home-mom again I’m getting all domestic.  It never happened before, and I’m thinking it’s just a passing phase this time around.  I’m cleaning.  I’m cooking.  I’m putting laundry away.  I’m gardening (WTF?!).  I’m turning into someone I don’t know!

Maybe I’ve just realized that this is my job now and that I want to do great at it.  Maybe it’s because my husand has put up with a lot of my crap lately and I want to thank him.  Or maybe it’s all going to blow up in my face soon and I’ll do nothing but sit in the yard reading a book, watching Squeaks in the sandbox, and contemplating the weeds that are growing in my now-present garden.  But I’m cool with that because that’s the Meg I know and love!

Overheard at School Today April 16, 2008

“Are you giving blood at the blood drive today?”

“Yeah.  I’ve been trying to lose weight and I haven’t eaten in a few days, so I’m thinking I’ll lose a couple of pounds if I give blood.”

What I would give to see them scrape her skinny ass off the floor when she passes out!

April 14, 2008

At 4:30 this morning, we got home from a whirlwind trip to Iowa.  We have some very good friends who live up there and one of them is leaving this week for his third tour of duty in Iraq.  He will be overseas for 15 months, so we made the quick trip up to send him off properly.  It was so nice to be with such great people that we don’t get to see that often.  It was too short, though, and I wish that we could have stayed.

But this week marks the end of my working career!  Tax season is over tomorrow.  I will come in for a few additional days to work on collecting money from some people, but then it will all be over.  I’ve really enjoyed the job, but I’ll be so glad for that time back.  And my ass will be glad that we can start going to the gym again, as it’s growing in rapid sucession.

And this crazy school semester is about to wind down.  I’ve got lots of studying to do, but then I can relax for another month before it all starts again.

In other news, I haven’t seen my Squeaks since Friday and I’m dying.  DYING.  She’s at my sister’s and I would have gone to get her first thing this morning, but she has to stay there this afternoon while I work.  We didn’t want to upset her by seeing me and then getting left again, so I have to wait until 5:00 tonight.  She’s fine, but I’m the one going crazy.  She’s probably a foot taller and can do everything without me now.  I’m never leaving her again.

Finding Some Peace April 10, 2008

Thank you so much for all of your nice, reassuring advice pertaining to my last post.  I was really caught up in a struggle at the time and it was so helpful to hear what I already knew deep inside.  I talked to The Hubby about it and he had no idea it was making me so crazy.  He just thought I would love the job and that’s why he even mentioned it.  And I would love it, but not now.

And if I needed any more validation, Squeaks got very sick (again) on Tuesday and I had to call in to work.  It just made me realize how I would have to miss a lot in a new job because my daughter needs me for so many things. 

So…no awesome job for now because I’ve got an even better job here at home.

Inner Turmoil April 7, 2008

I’ve been wrestling with a really big decision lately, so I’ve decided to blog about it, in hopes that you guys can give me some feedback.  At the least, I’m hoping it will allow me to realize my true feelings on the matter.

The company my husband works for is amazing.  They provide all sorts of benefits that I never could have imagined.  It’s been a blessing that he found such a great job.  This week he emailed me a job listing.  For me.  It’s in his company, in the IT department and it’s my dream job.  It’s everything I want in a job and it pays VERY well.  If I was in a different place in my life, I would snatch it up in a heartbeat.

But here are the downsides.  I can’t bring myself to leave my toddler to go to work full-time.  The part time I’m doing now is killing me.  I realize that lots of mothers do it, but I don’t feel it’s for me.  Also, I wouldn’t be able to juggle the job with the harder classes I’m taking in school.  It would be too much stress.  And then there’s still the big elephant in the room – the baby issue.  I want to have a baby.  I don’t want to pursue a career right now.  I want to go to school and make a baby and stay home with my 2 wonderful kids (even though one is still imaginary).  But, oh, how I want that dream job.  And the money.

Back and forth.  Back and forth.  The Hubby is not forcing me to work, he just knows this job is exactly what I want to do.  He knows how great the company is and how they will be willing to work with me.  But he also wants me to be happy.  And as for myself?  I’ve been losing sleep over it.  I’ve been distracted by it.  I’m a mess.  I wish this job would have never come along.  I wish I could get a good night’s rest and not have to stress about this again.  Sigh.

The One In Which I Try To Fight An Elderly Woman April 5, 2008

My hormones are all out of whack today.  It’s partially PMS, partially the baby fever I have, and partially stress from The Hubby trying to get me to take a job I’m not sure I want.  Anyway, whatever the reason, I came unglued at dinner tonight.

Hubby and Squeaks met me at a Mexican Food restauarant after I got off work tonight.  Squeaks was really excited to see me after a long day apart, so she yelled “Mama” across the room when they got there.  This raised some eyebrows and I’ll admit I would have reacted the same way.  But she quickly settled down.

The waitress brought us over some bowls for our salsa.  Squeaks grabbed one for her, but lost her grip and it slid across the table, making a loud noise.  Some old woman (seriously looked to be pushing 70) at the next table actually turned around in her seat and glared at me.  I heard her mutter to her companion about how kids these days have no manners.  This pissed me off.  Is a toddler not allowed to make a mistake?  I got really worked up over it, but decided to let it go.  Then Squeaks and her flailing arms (the poor thing got my gangly arms) knocked another bowl completely off the table.  This time the woman huffed really loudly and glared at me again.  I swear I’ve never seen someone’s body face one way and their head be turned all the way around, just to give dirty looks to a 2 year old.  Then she kept sighing.  Loudly.

This time I came unglued.  I threw my hands up and yelled something along the lines of “that blue-haired HAG is pissing me off because apparantly little kids aren’t allowed to make mistakes”.  People started looking at us and the manager hovering in the corner looked like he didn’t know what to do.  When the woman continued to mutter under her breath, I got louder.  I think it went something like “hey old bat, if you want to drink your margarita without children around, go to a BAR!”.  She quickly downed the rest of her drink and ran from the room.  Everyone around us cheered.  None of them could believe the way the lady was acting.

We finished our dinner and left, leaving most of our dignity behind, but I’ll be damned if I don’t feel better for confronting her.

The One Where I Go a Little Crazy April 3, 2008

I always thought that women talking about their biological clocks were just full of crap.  They just want kids (or security or to settle down).  But I’ve been hit by ye olde clock and I’m going crazy.  I want a baby.  I want a baby now.

I have dreams at night.  Dreams where I’m happily wearing my new baby in a sling while Squeaks and I play at the park.  Dreams where my new baby nurses like a champ and I’m not a psycho raving post-partum fool.  Dreams where Squeaks loves her sibling and adjusts perfectly.

The logical side of me knows better.  I know pregnancy will probably be a bitch, just like the last one.  I know Squeaks will be resentful for awhile and that I’ll probably have post partum issues again.  I’ll be tired and moody.  I’ll cry because I am sleepless.  I’ll wish I hadn’t chosen to do this to myself and my daughter.

But I am getting good at shutting Logical Meg up.  For some reason, that biological alarm clock is going off and I can’t find the snooze button.  The Hubby?  He’s so not ready.  He’s still not sure he wants another one.  He’s leaning towards it, but he wants to wait.  And me?  I feel like my eggs will dry up RIGHT NOW if we don’t make a baby.  He’s got logical reasons for wanting to wait, but I don’t care.  I want a baby around again.  Squeaks is a person now, a toddler, definitely not a baby.  I want to cry alongside my newborn when we’re both exhausted and frustrated.  I want to be pregnant and feel my baby kick.  Dammit, I want to pee when I sneeze, leak breastmilk way too early, and waddle around like a swaybacked horse.

I told The Hubby if we don’t make a baby soon that we need a new puppy.  He told me he would settle for a hamster.  I know he was totally kidding, but he’s going to regret saying that when I come home with a hamster and start dressing it in little clothes.